My question.... God, why are all of my efforts to make this thing successful, apparently not working?
To others....
I'm going to process "out loud" a little here... so bear with me. This is me processing and and it carries no judgments about what should be. Only an attempt to find out what I really believe. It will probably be an excercise in "that which I want to do, I don't; and that which I don't want to do, I do anyway." But I'll go out on a limb here and share it anyway.
So please, don't read anything into my comments out of context until you are done reading the whole thing.
Yes, I "should" be focusing on what God has done. And yes, sometimes I struggle... especially at the end of the month when I have to face my own failure and God's apparent rejection of my efforts. (just being real here about what it sometimes feels like.) However, the Truth (with a capital T) is that it is not an issue of my failure and absolutely not God rejecting my efforts. It is God, doing what God chooses, when God chooses to do it... ulitmately for my good! ("all things work together for good...")
I think the biggest thing for me is overcoming the fact that I feel that I am somewhat forced to walk outside of my skillset. No! It's more than "outside of my gifting"... it's walking in my utter incompetency. And since it is in an area that is beyond my natural capabilities, then I must obviously do more and try harder, even if it kills me. (sounds like a pretty stupid conclusion when I see it in writing) But isn't my weakness supposed to glorify God's strenght??
Some friends have advised me to completely quit trying. Quit marketing altogether. "Let God do it ALL." Just love the people we have and God will bring the increase. And that may be good advice and certainly sounds "spritual"... or is it "religious"? But for now, it doesn't seem like it's the way I should go. I can't afford the experiment right now.
I find that I don't do well with wasting efforts. Like most human nature, I'd rather waste time than waste work. And yet, I am compelled internally (and probably dysfuncionally) to do everything I possibly can. So when my months of efforts to get the word out about our ministry appear to be wasted for an extended period of time, it feels like "hope deferred". (Proverbs... "hope deferred makes the heart sick.") Everyone has marketing or fund raising advice and most people judge me for not doing enough (or doing it the way they'd do it). They basically say, "It's simple" (implication... "you're stupid if you can't see that I'm right") "just do this and do that. Oh and don't forget to do the other because that will solve all of your problems by the morning. Forget about how much it will cost you. It's simple, just do it".
I try to take their advice but honestly, it adds to my burden because I just can't do what everyone is advising me to do. Don't get me wrong, it's not that the advice adds to my burden, it's when I take it in and feel that I must follow it. I figure that the experts probably know much better than I do and I feel compelled (there's that word again) to try to do what they suggest. That's part of my own personal issues that me'n God are working on.
Faith is a funny thing. I think I have a fair amount of faith for some categories in my life and no faith at all for others. Except for this... I have NO DOUBT that God is working intimately and powerfully on my behalf and on behalf of others ... and that the outcome will be for my personal good and for the good of the women we minister to. But that does not guarantee that I know what that looks like. It's part of the growth process and I embrace it all. I just don't like it very much sometimes.
But that's OK. With my focus on Him, I can be joyfull in the midst of the apparent crisis because He's not surprised or worried. And it gives me a great oppoprtunity to work through my own issues. One of the things that I can't do in the midst of this, is fake it. I can't say that things are great when they aren't. I can't say that we are not in financial difficulty when we are. I can't say that God will provide when the truth is, God may allow it to fail for His own reasons that are beyond my knowing right now. And the Truth is, I can be at peace and joyfully embrace whatever comes because God loves me and the women we minister to. (and, by the way... He loves you too.) I believe our vision is accurate. I beleive that the priciple of providing a place for our girls to live... a place that is "beyond what they feel they deserve"... is a powerful model that leads them to the love of God.
Whew... I feel much better. I just blogged myself into happy. Thanks for listening.
