But God kept speaking.....

My Dad was a man of integrity and a man of action. Not necessarily a quiet man … he had a huge laugh and could get too loud when he was excited about something. He had strong opinions and spoke them when motivated. He was passionate about football and politics. But when it came to discussing feelings, and lessons of life, he was hesitant. He grew up in rural America much of his life and for him, experience had been a great teacher. He was adventurous, athletic, went to Alaska at a young age and when WWII started he enlisted in the AF. Initially he was denied because his job in Alaska was considered critical to National Security. He was a contract construction worker for the military in the Aleutian Islands at the time. But he was determined to enlist so he quit his job, went to Seattle and enlisted again. There were no computers, internet or email so information traveled slow. In Seattle he was enthusiastically accepted. He was identified as having the stuff to fly B-29s, the largest plane in the world at the time.

During his time as a B-29 pilot, twice he saved the crew from what was considered to be certain death. As far as the designers of the B29 were concerned, it was impossible to do what he did to bring the plane and crew home. Both times, it took tremendous strength, determination and courage as well as a faith in God and faith in the fact that he would make it. As a young man, he had been raised in faith. Eventually he became the President of the National Youth Council in the Presbyterian church. He had strong personal faith and experience with God. He had learned during his years in Alaska and the military that there was no room for judgment against others no matter what their faith was. To him, integrity was everything. Trust and being a man of your word could become a matter of life or death.

I had grown up with this awe of the stories he told us. As the youngest son, I was raised with the typical 4th child mentality. By the time you have learned from the first three that worry and fret doesn’t get you much and as long as I kept my nose relatively clean, Dad figured, leave the kid alone and he’ll be fine. He supported my efforts on the football field and frequently I could hear him above the rest of the crowd with that booming voice.
But my whole life, something was missing. Mom and Dad were not of the same religious conviction. And Dad had decided to allow us to be raised in Mom’s faith. He didn’t understand the difference and thought it was no problem. Don't misunderstand. My Mom was amazing, but in this particular religion, I found legalism, judgment and hypocrisy and never was I told the truth about Christ.

So because of the fact that Dad was not prone to discuss personal matters and feelings, he also rarely discussed religion except for a few times. I later realized that those few times were very critical to my life. Milestones… absolutely God breathed. God was speaking through him but I didn’t know it. But God kept speaking.

I didn’t realize it for a long time. I was left to manage the teachings of faith and figure it all out for myself, or so I thought. I’ve often said, when you are raised in a legalistic religion, you either grow up proud or guilty. I fell into the latter.

During my childhood and young adulthood, even though I did very well in school and sports, I had this underlying sense of insecurity and guilt… never feeling like I measured up to my own expectations and what I believed were the expectations of God. Oh my Dad and Mom had told me that I was good. They affirmed my good behavior and accomplishments. But something was missing. Some sense of who I was seemed to be lacking.

But I was a pretty nice guy and a hard worker. Had fun in school, married my high school sweetheart and was the father of two amazing children by the time I was 23. I left the religion and had accepted Christ at the age of 20. But I still did not have a solid understanding of the nature of God. Religion had left me with an impression of a Father in Heaven, who was demanding and punishing. One who demanded perfection and was difficult to please and if you disappointed him he could ruin your life just to teach you a lesson. And what is worse, when he didn’t punish me, I came to the only conclusion I could… He didn’t care enough about me to even punish me. But God kept speaking.

Accepting Christ was a huge step for me. Obviously I was saved. But I still did not understand the heart of the Father toward me. But when I became a father and experienced a massive fullness of love for my children, I began to ask questions of God about the depth of this love. And there were times in my life when God would plant expressive confirmations in my heart. “Do you know how you feel at this moment? This love that you have for your children that is beyond understanding?? Yes, Lord? Well that is how I feel about you.

Frequently I would short circuit in my understanding. The Truth of God had not yet replaced the lie of the enemy. But God kept speaking.

Little by little, my Father God was breaking down preconceived notions and lies that had built up in my heart and life. God continued to slowly break down the lies and build the truth. But still I did not have what you might refer to as an awakening to God’s love and acceptance.

Then I experienced a massive upheaval in my life that I honestly didn’t know if I could live through. A devastating divorce… the loss of my wife, the rejection of all of the love that I had to offer… and the potential loss of my children. How could I face this loss of my wife, the woman whom I had given my whole heart to. How could I face the possibility that I would not get to kiss my kids goodnight, tuck them in, pray their bedtime prayers. How could I live through that?

I called my Dad on the phone heartbroken and not knowing what to do. I cried out in unbelievable pain and he listened quietly and with amazing compassion. When I was spent, he spoke. He said something I’ll never forget. He said it with an authority that rang through generations. He said, “Gary, I am so sorry that you are going through this. I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling. But listen to me. You will get through this! You are my son! You are a Cram. It is in you. It is who you are.” Something about that moment and the absolute conviction in his voice…. I actually believed him. I don’t know how but he spoke such a profound truth to me that resonated in my heart to such a degree that I could not deny it.

And it was true. I did get through it. As a matter of fact, God led me through a very dark and scary valley, lighted my path and taught me when and how to fight…. I was given custody of my children. God brought stability and a love to our home. So much happened. So much divine intervention. There were so many profound moments of love and healing and growth with my daughter and son. God kept speaking… to all of us.

God worked into me forgiveness and taught me how to teach the kids that excepting the loss, did not mean they had to stop loving. We learned that we did not have to choose to stop loving in order for the pain to stop. We could acknowledge the pain, even embrace it, because the pain had nothing to do with loving. They could love me and love their Mom. Whether they agreed with what we did, they could continue to love. And they could trust in the love I had for them. And eventually transfer that and trust in the love God has for them.

Eventually there came a time when God spoke to me… with the same compassion that my Dad had spoken months earlier… He said, “Gary, she’s not going to come back. It’s time to stop waiting.” And I knew he was speaking the truth. I took a deep breath, exhaled, and let it go.

A few years went by when the Lord provided me an amazing gift. He sent to me a wife, an angel, who was beyond my dreams. I didn’t even know how to hope for a woman like her. A wife so loving and so accepting, that she mirrored the love of Christ indwelling within a person to a degree that I had never seen. Through our relationship, I have learned so much about the possibilities and depth of love. Lisa continues to be a gift to me. NOT a reward. I didn't do anything to deserve it. She's a gift.

All along, God kept speaking. And the words of my father continued to ring in my heart. Those words rang like a beautiful bell, with a tone and trueness that taught me consciously what truth sounded like. I realized that they went much farther than the deeply profound moment when they were first spoken.

My Dad passed away in 2001. He went on to be with the Lord. Before he passed, I was able to have a quiet moment alone with him. I was able to speak his words back to him with a different perspective. At a time when he was fading but fully aware, I was able to say to him, “Dad, I know this is hard and I’m sorry you are in pain… but you will get through this. God is waiting, and you are his son. You are his. It’s who you are.”

Through the years, God kept speaking. I’ve come to understand his love to the extent that I’m currently able to understand. Let me say, in my understanding, I’m absolutely sure… that I don’t understand the half of it. It is a mystery that we see and is unfolded to us, and with each new revelation of the depth of his love, I realize there is so much more to see.

When Jesus died on the cross, so much was accomplished. It is finished. If any one be in Christ, they are a new creation. Old things are passed away. ALL things become new. We are new creatures in Christ.

He became like us, so that we could become like him. A new species, the same species that he is. The old species was lower than the angels but the new creature is higher than the angels, seated with Christ at the right hand of a loving father who speaks to the angels about us, “This is MY child, in whom I am well pleased.”

The old species used to struggle with the law, learning it, following it, trying to attain…. And failing… The new species is complete, old sin is gone and to the new species, there is no new sin, no condemnation. Living in Grace. The words of God are written on our heart.

We are who he made us. Now, we are of the genealogy of God. It is in us. HE is in us. The lies of our past woven in us, cause us to believe we are the old man. The Christian life is not about becoming. It is about being who he made us. We only need to believe the truth. Sometimes it means unlearning the lies and then learning the truth. Sometimes it means allowing the truth to be revealed in a way that it simply drives out whatever lies are hiding. But The Spirit is faithful to lead us into ALL truth.

I don’t know if my father knew it, but in effect, he was giving me the blessing of the father handed down through generations. He was proclaiming to me my heritage. I heard his blessing. It opened my heart to hear the Word of God to me and to hear my heritage in Him. Who I am.. What I mean to him. I’ve never been more grateful in my life. And each day, I become more grateful for his love. I love, because he first loved me. (1 Jn 4:19).

You were right Dad. I am your son. It’s who I am!


In memory of Ralph Cram who went to meet the Lord on August 20, 2001.